My pain, my memories
by dawnsona
Summary: Monica's gone and all Chandler has are his memories. I promise- no sad ending. Please R & R! I've fixed the format.


**I can't believe I'm putting this up. It's my first c/m fic…and I think I messed up. I usually write j/r fics. Just thought I'll try this. It was for a challenge. Don't kill me!**

**Disclaimer: Don't own any of the friends characters.**

**The format was screwed up, before. Thanks to QuickEdit, I can, finally, put it up the way I meant to. All hail the greatness of QuickEdit!!!**

**My pain, my memories**

He sat down on the bed. He clutched her pillow and buried his face in it. He could still smell that shampoo she insisted on using. He remembered the day she had bought it.

**--**_Flashback_

_**"Chandler! Smell this. Doesn't it smell great?"**_

_**Chandler sniffed the open shampoo bottle. It smelt like chocolate. "It's nice."**_

_**Monica beamed. She paid for the shampoo and they rushed home. She was dying to try it out. And when she came out of the bathroom, she asked him to smell her hair. "Doesn't that turn you on?" she asked in a husky voice.**_

_**He felt something, but definitely not desire. He hurried to the refrigerator and grabbed a chocolate bar. She stared at him with her mouth open. "You're turning me down for a chocolate bar? You're a fickle man, Chandler Bing."**_

**_They burst out laughing._**

_End Flashback_--

She had continued using the shampoo. After two bottles, he got used to it, which was good because he had gained a lot of weight.

He walked into the living room. The paint was peeling. They had never gotten around to repainting the room. The one time was enough.

--_Flashback_

_**"Hand me a brush."**_

_**Monica looked at the assortment of brushes on the floor. "Which one?"**_

_**Chandler grinned. "I have no clue. I just know I need one to paint."**_

_**She shook her head. He could tell she thought it was a bad idea. She had wanted to have it done professionally. But she had agreed, after a lot of pleading on his part.**_

_**At the end of the day, she was laughing hysterically. It wasn't a really good job. But it didn't matter. They'd had a fabulous time. There were huge paint spots on the floor. They were trying to scrape it off. But they couldn't stop laughing.**_

**_Rachel had come in at that time. She took one look at them and cracked up. "You guys are adorable."_**

_End Flashback--_

That was the problem. They were adorable. It meant something to them to keep that illusion up. Even when things had gone wrong. They were determined to keep up a good front.

--_Flashback_

_**"Chandler, I think you're being childish. Richard just invited us to lunch. With his new girlfriend."**_

_**Chandler was adamant. Richard always made him insecure. "How do we know it's not a scheme to win you back?"**_

_**Monica snuggled up to him. "I love you, not him."**_

_**He wasn't convinced it was enough.**_

_**All through dinner he had acted nonchalant. Richard was the perfect host. His new girlfriend, Marianne, was nice. She got a phone call during dessert. She was needed at work. She left and Chandler excused himself to go to the restroom. And when he came back, Richard was kissing Monica. He saw red. The next thing he knew, Monica was pulling him off Richard. She grabbed his arm and fairly dragged him out.**_

_**She had yelled at him. "Richard was fastening my earring. It had come off."**_

_**"It didn't look like that!" he had yelled back.**_

_**"You don't trust me at all, do you?" she had asked in a quiet voice.**_

_**He didn't know what to say. The way he had acted today proved it. He was more scared of how she would react to Richard than of Richard doing anything. And he knew Monica realized that.**_

**_She wiped a tear from her eye. "I'll see you at home." He watched her walk away._**

_End Flashback--_

She had come home the next morning. She was normal. It was like nothing had happened. But the relationship was in trouble. The sheer artificiality confirmed it. And only they knew. None of their friends noticed anything different. They were still the perfect couple.

He walked to the kitchen. It used to be his favorite place. After that dinner it had become cold, impersonal. It didn't feel right anymore. Nothing did.

He supposed it was their fear of rocking the boat that stopped them from clearing the air. As far as they were concerned, it was a closed chapter in their lives. How wrong they were. It was still there, lurking. Waiting for the right moment to resurface. And when it did, the repercussions were dire.

--_Flashback_

_**"Chandler, I'm going out."**_

_**"Where?"**_

_**She frowned. "Nowhere special. Just out."**_

_**Chandler chewed on his lip. "I'll come with you."**_

_**"No, its okay."**_

_**He was losing his temper. "Why not? I'm bored. Let's do something together. We haven't done that in a while."**_

_**"I want to be alone," she explained patiently.**_

_**That irked him. She was being so damn patient. "Well, I'm sorry, you find my company a burden."**_

_**She smiled and opened the front door. "See you later." The smile of a martyr.**_

_**He ran ahead of her and slammed the door. She looked up startled. "I want to know where you're going."**_

_**She refused to answer. He snarled, "You're not going to tell me, are you? Why?"**_

_**And then a thought struck him. "You're always going out alone. Where do you go, Monica?"**_

_**She shrugged her shoulders. "Walks."**_

_**He narrowed his eyes. "No you don't. You go to him. Richard."**_

_**Monica didn't say a word. And Chandler's heart sank. God, he was right. "Answer me Monica."**_

_**She nodded. "I talk with him. He listens. I didn't want to tell you."**_

_**He glared at her. "Do you expect me to believe that?"**_

_**"That was always your problem. You never trusted me."**_

_End Flashback--_

All hell had broken lose that day. They finally had their talk. Only it had been too late. They said things that had hurt. Chandler couldn't believe Monica felt that way about him. He was furious.

_--Flashback_

_**"If that's the way you feel, why did you stay for so long? Why didn't you leave?"**_

_**"I couldn't," she whispered.**_

_**"Oh, that's right. Use the both of us. You…you...slut!"**_

_**Her eyes turned cold. It terrified him but he couldn't stop himself. There was too much damage done. "Why don't you leave now? Who needs you?"**_

_**Her eyes widened but she nodded. She walked to the door. "Goodbye, Chandler. I did love you, you know." The door slammed.**_

**_And he stared at in silence, not daring to believe. But she didn't come back_. **

_End Flashback--_

Rachel had come to get Monica's stuff. She had tried to convince Chandler to take the first step in reconciliation. But he had refused. He knew Monica would come back. It was a full month later when it dawned on him that she wouldn't. And then he broke down. He cried his heart out.

And now it was a year later. He was still alone. He hadn't changed anything in the house. He couldn't.

He had ruined their promised life together. He felt himself tearing up. He needed her so much. He loved her. A few tears escaped. He wiped them away.

This was the first time since she left that he had looked at the wedding photo. It had hurt too much before. It still did. They had seemed so happy. He remembered that day. He had actually run away. But…he had come back. He had come back and married Monica. Because he knew she was his soulmate.

Suddenly the last vestiges of doubt cleared. The doubts he could feel slipping away as the year went by. A year of realizing. The truth was finally clear. It was time to stop being maudlin. It wasn't going to change anything. He was going to bring her back. He had no idea where she was. Even if he found out, he didn't know exactly how he was going to get her back.

But he was going to. They belonged together and they were going to have that promised life.

**Well, okay. That was it. Please R & R! And don't hunt me down!**


End file.
